<< secrets within >>

this feeling is so familiar..

i've been through this before..

i am so afraid the ending might be the same..

this time the subject is different, and i hope the same goes to the pathway..

i am already thinking too much..

not that i wanted to but somehow it just felt right to think this way..

i have to constantly remind myself to not choose the same option again..

no matter how much i like it this way i still have to control myself..

i have to bear in mind that none of what's in my mind is real..

what's real is the truth..

i cannot bend the truth..

i cannot lie to myself..

i have to live in the moment..

i need to stop feeling responsible over you..

but that is not why i am afraid of being closer to you..

my history tells me that something not good is going to happen...

i hate to see the same cycle comes again..

you saved me and now you are the cause?

NO WAY!

i want to keep you longer..

i feel happy to see you happy..

i feel sad to see you upset...

i feel satisfied just to be your listener..

and there is something about you that i'm curious about..

i need to dig deeper..

you are different from the past ones..

i know it, i can feel it..

** P/S : New test subject. **

<< secrets within >>

i have almost completely forgotten you, until you texted me that day..
i was happy to know that i have gotten over you..
now, i face the same problem again with another person..
this feeling wasn't supposed to be there...
the more you are close to me, the more i wanted to hide...
because i know i cannot control the way i feel about you..
just only today... i had a sudden urge to want you...
i feel so attach to you now...
but some things are best to leave it in the dreamland..
everytime i look you in the eye, my mind went wild...
everytime i feel frustrated, i just want to hug you...
it's like karma all over again...
this might be a hint that i will run away from you soon...
i don't want this to happen again as i really like you..
am i blinded again? like the last time i was blinded by that person?
i just wanted to think straight and clear but it seem impossible for me..
i always feel the wrong way for the wrong people...
i don't want to start imagining me and you because i will be addicted to that fantasy..
i like you enough to know that i will be there for you whenever you need it...
i want you to know that i will always lend you my ear and shoulder..
you may treat me like a good friend but i will see you as my angel...
i wish someone could cure my sickness and make me feel sane again...

**P/S : change of target. the past is history. **

<< secrets within >>

i felt like giving up on you...
which is a good thing, i guess...
but no one really knows it 'cause they still assuming we're good...
i think this is true, 'out of sigh out of mind'...
the more we're apart the more i feel like i was in the cloud all this time..
it's like i have opened my eyes..
i can feel the world now...
just when i can feel everything..
another one came into the light..
i know this will never happen but i still like the feeling of the new creature under the spotlight...
at least it will keep me from thinking about you..
i just have to be strong...
keep lying to myself that this is nothing...
keep telling myself this is not i want..
keep myself troubled in these questions..
i wanted to try it so bad but i have to press it deep down into my misery heart...
i was hoping maybe one day someone will come and answer my question..
and hope that someone is the right answer to my questions..
for now, whatever i'm feeling is just feelings that can never be taken action...
i have to be grateful i can have the time to just capture and remember the moments....
it's the wrong feelings but i like it so much...

** P/S : forgetting is easy for me. **

2011 Conclusion

This whole year is worthless and not forgetting wasted..
Let's see what i've observed about me in my own definition...

- AIM -
It's like archery or dartboard. Usually the target board has a small circle in the middle and that's where you'll score the highest point. In my board however, is pure colour. No circle no colour rings or whatsoever. Just pure white.

- DECISION -
There are 10 gorgeous diamonds with perfect cut and colour. You have to pick out only one of these to fix on your ring and wear it for the rest of your life. How would you choose if each one is close to perfection?

- SOLUTION -
Everybody has questions but it all comes down to one ultimate question. I always leave it blank because i don't have an answer for them. And they won't stop asking until i give them what they want.

- REMINDER -
A lot of scars and bruises on me, it hurts so much. My ears hurt from all the screaming and yelling and it keeps ringing in my head. My tears unbearable when i look at them. Whenever i'm not alone it's the worst time of the day.

- TIME -
Unstopable even if the world ends. Evertything still goes on no matter what happens. Clock will still be ticking even if the heart stops beating, the fan stops spinning, the water stops running, the fish stops swimming, ...

- SEXUAL ORIENTATION -
A little confused and a little unsure. Is it straight or gay? Or is it both? I want to know which one am i. I never fall for a guy and i never go crazy for a girl. But is it so wrong to feel something for a girl? Are girls supposedly to date guys only? How is it that being a lesbian is a perverted thing to do? Can i choose homosexual over heterosexual? Can i be with whoever i wanted to be with, eventhough it's a she? Or am i allowed to only live a so called healthy lifestyle?

- ME -
(empty)

I'm getting bored to living. Nothing excites me anymore.

Looking Up

It's like a tree branching..
Everyone will be heading different direction...
We may not know when will we meet again...
Of course we will remember each other...
Seeing you all go your path it really feels like looking up the blue blue sky...
And im still down here awaiting my departure...
Well i guess we really have places we need to go...
I just wish you have all the best and bon voyage...
I hope we can still meet again....
Time to meet new friends and get used to new places....
I pray i have that day too...
I want to join you people up there in the blue blue sky...

Honestly

How am i now?
Dont even ask, really..
I've been thinking a lot..
I failed my STPM..
i lost my confidence..
I have no direction..
I dont know what the hell i want to retake STPM..
And even if i did pass my STPM, what course will i be taking?
I disappointed my family..
I wasted my time fooling around..
I dont know what am i waiting for..
I'm proud to see you friends get the offer to enter local U..
I'm not sad that i didnt get it as i've already knew i wont be that lucky..
As time passed, i started to have second thought about retaking..
What if i enter private U now? Would that be ok?
But what course will i take?
What's my interest? I doubt i have one..
I dont mind wasting the RM200 i've paid for retaking..
I just dont like the idea of me living this life with no purpose..
What if i just get out and start working? Will that be a waste for me?
I feel so useless...
The more i think about it, the more i'm afraid to live..
What if i study now? Will i make it through STPM? I think it's bullshit..
I knew some will tell me "at least you know the answer to a few questions".. So save it..
So if i give up retaking, what course should i pursue?
Finance? NO. Account? NO. Business? NO. Journalism? NO. Photography? NO. Psychology? NO.
i'm just not good enough for anything..
My maths is terrible, my art is horrible, my language is just simply acceptable, my business brain is hopeless, my creativity ordinary..
So hard to even pick a course i like..
Don't ask me again what's my interest... There's simply no suitable answer for it..
So lost... So aimless.. So chaotic...
I just wish my life can be a little more like yours... And a little less like garbage...
How nice if death can solve everything, but sadly no..
Crazy plans can only be carried out in my dream.. Such a waste..
Many times i've wished i would go insane when i wake up in the morning... Or even diagnosed with some kind of deadly disease.. yeah right, that is if life is about what you wish is what you get..
I'm really ashamed of myself.. I think i'm a shame for my family, actually..
Where do i get all this negative mindset? From whom i inherit all this bad stuff? Consequence of doing bad things, perhaps?
I've done quite a few wrongs to quite a few people.. This is my punishment?
I'm getting tired asking the same questions to myself for the past few years...
I don't even feel like living right now..
Where should i belong? Rehab? Asylum? Hell?
Very fucked up now...
*sigh* ~~~~

<< secrets within >>

this is the time..
this is what i've prepared for..
i deserve for the degree of my preparedness..
if this is what i get for my little preparation, then i'm really satisfied..
now i know if i am really ready for it, i can do way better than this...
so it's just my laziness..
well... now that i've ruined my future, i don't know what i'm supposed to do next..
my path ahead is so darn foggy...
i can't see a thing..
what should i study?
where should i go?
feels like i keep using my mum's money and time..
so nonindependent... 
i think she won't mind anything if i can earn money for myself and also give her some pocket money...
but now who the heck wants to hire me?
who wants this kind of shitty result?
nobody accepts a cgpa 1.9 ...
but it's been an adventure of a lifetime..
done so many things i didn't dreamed before..
when i look back to this small journey i had, i'm sure i will have a good smile at it..
stupid yet funny..
i don't want to ruin your life...
you can go to a better place..
have a better life..
i just can't bear to let you waste away all your hard work..
for now, a one way road ahead will require a whole lot of luck and fate...
i sure wish there's no junction for us...
but if there is... then we are running out of time..
feels like this chapter of my life is like one of the movies' plot....
reached a small climax now..
wonder when's the next one will be..
i hope it considers you too..

**P/S : It might not be the one you've been guessing. ^^ **